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Christmas Gift Guide: Revenge Edition

December 2, 2011

Erin has it right!…

Christmas Gift Guide: Revenge Edition

By Erin Brambilla

The holiday season is upon us and I bet you’re doing the American thing–dropping tons of cash on clothes, electronics, and cheap plastic toys…all made in China.


Inevitably this time of year you see list upon list of gift suggestions. Best gifts for men. Best gifts for women. Best gifts for kids, teachers, pets, teacher’s pets, mailmen, hairdressers, baristas, and random strangers on the street. But, I’ve always felt there was a list missing. Have you ever wanted to buy a gift for the child of someone you know? Someone who you really need to seek revenge on in a passive-aggressive way? Well, look no further, Erin is here to help you.

Top 5 Gifts To Buy For the Children of People Who Piss You Off

1.) Musical Instruments

Do you see that baby sized drum set? It’s made of evil.

In the true spirit of Christmas, musical instruments are gifts that keep on giving: headache after headache after headache. The thing is that musical instruments are generally good for the development of young children. And kids love them. So your friend or family member will have to be all, “Thank you so much, this is really great!” as they pop that third Advil.

If the child is older, you might consider a full-blown drum set.

2.) Toys with a million-bajillion pieces. Especially little pieces.

Who doesn’t love Legos? A mom who has stepped on one barefooted in the middle of the night (SEE: Legonavigate). That’s who. And if she’s never experienced that, she’s sure to curse your existence (or bemoan what she ever did to you) when she has to pick them up everyday. And fish them out of the DVD player.

3.) Anything with the name SAND in it.

Moonsand, a.k.a. Evil Dust

Call it what you want: Moon Sand, Play Sand, whatever. Buy it at the store or be a hippy and make it yourself. Moldable sand is evil. It’s SAND. That you play with INSIDE. And it’s a little wet so the kids can make sand castles or whatever at the kitchen table. There is no doubt in my mind your friend’s child will LOVE it. But your frenemy? He or she will have to sweep it, vacuum it, clean it from under fingernails, out of hair, and will have to scrub the bathtub after their child takes a bath. It’s kind of like glitter in the sense that it can never really be cleaned up completely. Your friend will find bits of it everywhere, even days later. Mwahahahahaha.

4.) Noisy Electronic Toys

It might be small, but it sounds JUST like the real thing. From the convenience of your own living room!

Bonus if they don’t have an off or volume switch. Just to make sure the toy gets maximum mileage out of the noise, be sure to stock it with fresh batteries.

5.) Sugar

Maybe you don’t have a huge budget for revenge. Or maybe you’ve got to ship said item cross-country. No problem. A box of candy will do the trick. This idea could also be used as an add-on to any of the above gifts. After all, what’s worse than an annoying toy? Annoying toys plus kids on sugar highs, that’s what.

The beauty of all of these gifts are that the children involved will genuinely love them. So their parents can’t really say anything other than, “Thanks.” They may silently curse you in their head, but you’ll never hear it. Mission accomplished.

Just be careful. Turnabout is fair play and Christmas is an annual thing.

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